Thursday, March 13, 2008

Mostly memorable quotations concerning beer and drinking from the famous,:near-famous, soon-to-be famous and completely unknown...:

Irish Drinking Quotes
"An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to get to a bottle of stout."

"May the roof above us never fall in, and may we friends gathered below never fall out."
--Old Irish Blessing

"May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead."
--Old Irish Toast

“What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for.”
--Irish proverb

“I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society, except that which makes the road safer, the beer stronger, old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer.”
--Brendan Behan, Irish novelist

“When money's tight and hard to get
And your horse is also ran,
When all you have is a heap of debt,
A pint of plain is your only man.”
--Old Irish toast

“When I die, I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Dublin. I wonder would they know it was me?”
--J.P. Donleavy, from The Ginger Man

Teutonic Drinking Quotes
“Ale it is called among men, and among gods, beer.”
--Old Norse Alvisimal, first recorded use of 'ale', 950 A.D.

“Praise not the day until evening has come; a woman until she is burnt; a sword until it is tried; a maiden until she is married; ice until it has been crossed; beer until it has been drunk.”
--Viking Proverb

"It takes beer to make thirst worth while."
--old German proverb

“Beer isn't just beer... beer needs a home.”
--Die Welt, German news magazine, 1976

"A good beer is the host's honor, a full glass is the guest's enjoyment."
--German beer stein inscription

"If you drink you'll die, if you don't you'll also die. Therefore drink!"
--German beer stein inscription

"A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it's better to be thoroughly sure."
--Bohemian proverb

'Tributes' to American beer
“Put it back in the horse!”
--H. Allen Smith, humorist on tasting his first American beer

"All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow."
--Dave Barry

“Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.”
--David Moulton

“American beer is like sex in a canoe - f***ing close to water!”
--Eric Idle, of Monty Python

The Rat Pack

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
--Humphrey Bogart

"I never should have switched from Scotch to Martinis."
--Humphrey Bogart, last words

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
--Dean Martin

“If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.”
--Dean Martin

“I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.”
--Dean Martin

"Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity."
--Sammy Davis, Jr.

"Sober up, and you see and hear everything you'd been able to avoid hearing before."
--Sammy Davis, Jr.

"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy."
--Frank Sinatra

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
--Frank Sinatra

Monarchs & World Leaders
"And thou shalt give to me health, life, long existence, and prolonged reign, endurance to my every member, sight to my eyes, hearing to my ears, pleasure to my heart daily. And thou shalt give me beer until I am drunk. And thou shalt establish my issue as kings forever and ever."
--Pharaoh Ramses IV, Prayer to Osiris, 1200 BC

"I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts and beer."
--Abraham Lincoln

"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
--Winston Churchill

"Make sure that the beer - four pints a week - goes to the troops under fire before any of the parties in the rear get a drop."
--Winston Churchill

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
--Churchill's reply

"My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them."
--Winston Churchill

“Nothing makes the future look so rosy as to contemplate it through a glass of Champagne.”
--Napoleon Bonaparte

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world."
--Kaiser Wilhelm II

"Give my people plenty of beer, good beer and cheap beer and you will have no revolution."
--Queen Victoria

Actors and Thespians
"I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink."
--Richard Burton

"I rather like my reputation, actually, that of a spoiled genius from the Welsh gutter, a drunk, a womanizer; it's rather an attractive image."
--Richard Burton

"I have two ambitions in life: one is to drink every pub dry, the other is to sleep with every woman on earth."
--Oliver Reed

"I like to give my inhibitions a bath now and then."
--Oliver Reed

"Hell, I used to take two-week lunch hours!"
--Spencer Tracy

"I formed a new group called Alcoholics-Unanimous. If you don't feel like a drink, you ring another member and he comes over to persuade you."
--Richard Harris

"I often sit back and think, I wish I’d done that and find out later that I already have."
--Richard Harris, musing on the affects of drinking

"Tequila. Straight. There's a real polite drink. You keep drinking until you finally take one more and it just won't go down. Then you know you've reached your limit."
--Lee Marvin

"I began drinking alcohol at the age of thirteen and gave it up in my fifty sixth year; it was like going straight from puberty to a mid-life crisis."
--George Montgomery

"Gimme a whiskey, ginger ale on the side. And don't be stingy, baby."
--Greta Garbo, as Anna Christie in Anna Christie (1930).

“You can't be as old as I am without waking up with a surprised look on your face every morning: 'Holy Christ, whaddya know - I'm still around!' It's absolutely amazing that I survived all the booze and smoking and the cars and the career.”
--Paul Newman

"Beer, it's the best damn drink in the world.”
--Jack Nicholson

“People who speak in metaphors should shampoo my crotch.”
--Jack Nicholson, obviously not a beer quote, but so good it's here anyway!

Writers & Authors
"The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober."
--William Butler Yeats

"Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure."
--Ambrose Bierce

"Our national drug is alcohol. We tend to regard the use any other drug with special horror."
--William S. Burroughs

"I drink to make other people interesting."
--George Jean Nathan

"Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the girl's clothes off."
--Raymond Chandler

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
--Ernest Hemingway

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
--Ernest Hemingway from For Whom the Bell Tolls

"One day I decided to stop drinking with creeps. I decided to drink only with friends. I've lost 30 pounds as a result."
--Ernest Hemingway

“This beer is good for you. This is draft beer. Stick with the beer. Let's go and beat this guy up and come back and drink some more beer.”
--Ernest Hemingway

"Work is the curse of the drinking class."
--Oscar Wilde

“I work until beer o'clock.”
--Stephen King

"Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life."
--George Bernard Shaw

“Alcohol is a very necessary article. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning.”
--George Bernard Shaw

"Fill with mingled cream and amber, I will drain that glass again. Such hilarious visions clamber through the chambers of my brain. Quaintest thoughts--queerest fancies, come to life and fade away. What care I how time advances? I am drinking ale today."
--Edgar Allan Poe

“There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't.”
--William Faulkner

“I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.”
--Hunter S. Thompson

“There is an ancient Celtic axiom that says 'Good people drink good beer.' Which is true, then as now. Just look around you in any public barroom and you will quickly see: Bad people drink bad beer. Think about it.”
--Hunter S. Thompson

“I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.”
--Robert Benchley

"One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough."
--James Thurber

“I would give all of my fame for a pot of ale and safety.”
--William Shakespeare, from King Henry V

Athletes & Sportsmen
“The best way to die is sit under a tree, eat lots of bologna and salami, drink a case of beer, then blow up.”
--Art Donovan, all-Pro Baltimore Colts lineman of the '50s and '60s

“We're in such a slump that even the ones that are drinkin' aren't hittin'.”
--Casey Stengel

"Ninety percent I'll spend on good times, women and Irish whiskey. The other ten percent I'll probably waste."
--Tug McGraw, commenting on his salary increase

"I'll promise to go easier on drinking and to get to bed earlier, but not for you, fifty thousand dollars, or two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars will I give up women. They're too much fun."
--George Herman "Babe" Ruth

Philosophers & Deep Thinkers
"Two great European narcotics, alcohol and Christianity."
--Friedrich Nietzsche

"Be careful to trust a person who does not like wine."
--Karl Marx

"He was a wise man who invented beer."

"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live."

"Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a particular brand of beer
exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work in a brewery."
--H. L. Mencken

"We are here to drink beer ... and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us."
--Charles Bukowski

Brewers & Beer Industry Leaders
“A 'good' beer is one that sells! You may think it sucks, but if the market embraces it, so be it. Now a 'great' beer or world-class beer is another matter...”
--Jim Busch

"I never met a pub I didn't like."
--Pete Slosberg, founder of Pete's Brewing Company

"Whoever makes a poor beer is transferred to the dung-hill.
--Edict, City of Danzig (now Gdansk), 11th Century

"Drink Good Beer - Be Kind - Tell the Truth"
--motto at Flatlander's Brewery

"Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink."
--Whitstran Brewery sign

"Hoppiness is Happiness"
--label of Victory's Hop Wallop

"We brewers don't make beer, we just get all the ingredients together and the beer makes itself."
--Fritz Maytag, President Anchor Brewing

"Let no man thirst for lack of Real Ale."
--Commonwealth Brewing Co., Boston, Massachusetts

"People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
--Capital Brewery - Middleton, WI

Comedians & Humorists
“It only takes one drink to get me drunk, but I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.”
--George Burns

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
--W.C. Fields

"Everybody has to believe in something.....I believe I'll have another drink."
--W.C. Fields

"I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast."
--W.C. Fields

"I drink, therefore I am."
--W.C. Fields

“Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.”
--W.C. Fields

I drink with impunity ... or anyone else who invites me.
--W.C. Fields

“I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.”
--W.C. Fields

“How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter."
--W.C. Fields

"I always keep a supply of liquor handy in case I see a snake - which I also keep handy."
--W.C. Fields

"My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies."
--W.C. Fields

"If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon."
--W.C. Fields

"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?"
--W.C. Fields

"Drinking removes warts and pimples. Not from me. But from those I look at."
--Jackie Gleason

"I'm no alcoholic. I'm a drunkard. There's a difference. A drunkard doesn't like to go to meetings."
--Jackie Gleason

“I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.”
--Joe E. Lewis

“I went on a diet, swore off eating and heavy drinking, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.”
--Joe E. Lewis

“I drink to forget I drink.”
--Joe E. Lewis

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy."
--Tom Waits

"Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life."
--Tom Waits

"In more than 20 years of opening beers with guys, I have NEVER seen the Swedish Bikini Team show up. Almost always, the teams that show up in beer drinking situations consist of guys who have been playing league softball and smell like bus seats."
--Dave Barry

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
--Dave Barry

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
--Henny Youngman

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!”
--Brian O'Rourke

"After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi."
--P.J. O'Rourke

Founding Fathers & U.S. Presidents
“There can't be good living where there is not good drinking.”
--Benjamin Franklin

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
--Benjamin Franklin (NOTE: quote under review, see more recent posting)

"Beer, if drank with moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit and promotes health."
--Thomas Jefferson

"We have already been too long subject to British prejudices. I use no porter or cheese in my family, but such as is made in America; both these articles may now be purchased of an excellent quality."
--George Washington

"I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer."
--Abraham Lincoln

“I believe, if we take habitual drunkards as a class, their heads and their hearts will bear an advantageous comparison with those of any other class. There seems ever to have been a proneness in the brilliant and warm-blooded to fall into this vice.”
--Abraham Lincoln

"I believe this would be a good time for a beer."
-- Franklin Delano Roosevelt upon signing the 21st amendment

The Simpsons
"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer."
--Homer Simpson

"You put the beer in the coconut and drink it all up. You put the beer in the coconut and throw the can away."
--Homer Simpson

"He makes Martinis just the way I like them....full of alcohol."
--Homer Simpson

"I'm mild-mannered Homer Simpson."
-- Homer Simpson
You're not mild-mannered. You're often liquored-up, and rude."
--Lisa Simpson

"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."
--Homer Simpson

"Beer is the nectar of the Nitwits."
--Comic Book Guy

"I'm a People Person.....that drinks."
--Homer Simpson

“'Do-Re-Mi - Drink'
Dough, the stuff, that buys me beer
Ray, the guy that sells me beer
Me, the one, who drinks the beer
Far, a long run to get beer
So, I'll have another beer
La, I'll have another beer
Tea, no thanks I'm drinking beer
That will bring us back to... (looking into his now empty glass) D'OH!”
--Homer Simpson beer song

Miscellaneous & Anonymous
"Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser."

"There are more old drunks than old doctors."

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."

"The last swallow of lager is the worst and the last swallow of an ale is the best."

"You mean, I can do this for a living?"
-- Jason Faulconer, aspiring brew master, after making his first batch of beer

"To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
--Dave Howell, aka The Edge

"Hey, as long as your up...would you get me another?"
--Dr Mark Bernsdorf, dentist, entrepreneur, big game hunter, chain saw aficionado

"Im going to finish this beer.....then I'm going to have one more."
--Rick Evans, Midwest bon vivant, raconteur and musician

“If the hangover preceded the binge, alcoholism would be considered a virtue and not a vice.”
--Gregory Bateson, British anthropologist, social scientist, linguist

"Every night is ladies night a-a-at Johnny's!"
--John Brush, purveyor of the Triple B Brewery, aka Beer Bunker

“I don't have to drink to have fun, but I do.”
--Randy Reese, MIA Chicago

"Let's have just one more."
--John Petraitis, the Oracle of Akron Ohio

"Give a man a beer and watch his enjoyment for an hour, teach a man to brew and watch his enjoyment for a lifetime."
--Jim McCurdy, the Harlinator

"Well, if ya ain't sayz, we'll have us a rounder - it'll kinda ro-o-ound things out - if'ns ya kno'z what I mean."
--Dave Rudolph, Oregon exile

“Bock beer and Glühwein – DANGEROUS combination!”
--Michael Vogel, the real Bier Kaiser

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."
--Catherine Zandonella

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."
--Frank Zappa

"How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?"
"Pretty nervous if I was in the room.

"Can I draw you a beer, Norm ?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins."

"What'll it be, Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."

"What would you say to a beer, Norm?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"

(Coming in from the rain)
"Evening everybody."
Everybody: "Norm!"
"Still pouring, Norm?"
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"Would you like a beer Mr.. Peterson?"
"No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."

"How's life treating you?"
"It's not, Sammy, but you can."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Woody."

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em ... pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"How's about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?" "No, for stupid questions."

"How's a beer sound, Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

"What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?"
"Going Down?"

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer."

"What would you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"What'd you say, Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer."

"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, ehh?"

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is, `what's going 'in' Mr. Peterson?" A beer, please, Woody."

And saving the best for last, as explained by our favorite USPS employee, Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at the bar, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his old friend Normie, as follows:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

the Bier Kaiser


Jason said...

Dude....that was one of the longest posts I've ever seen......but some of the quotes are a riot!! Happy St. Patricks day!


Jason said...

"You can never buy beer, you just rent it"
- Archie Bunker